Super Powers I’d Like to Have - #3 Time Travel

Yeah I know. I’ve been gone a while. Sorry. But hey, if it makes a difference, I’ve got an excuse. See, I just moved to a huge new house and with that moving has come rooms to paint, furniture to buy, and obscene amounts of grass to cut. That along with the HD TV I bought to go along with it have taken up way more time than I expected. As it turns out, I’ll watch almost anything if it’s in HD. I took in Wheel of Fortune just the other day. It was hypnotizing. Anyway, spare me the lecture. I promise I’ll try and do better and stick to rule #17. Okay?

And so with that awkwardness out of the way, let’s continue on with my top 5 list of superpowers I’d love to have, #3…

Time Travel!

Imagine you’re having a really, really bad day. You were late for school, your principal called you a slacker, you realized your entire family was a worthless bunch of losers, and  then you watched your crazy inventor friend get gunned down by seriously pissed off Libyan terrorists while you videotaped the whole thing. I’m talking a really bad day. How can you fix things?

By jumping back in time. Possibly to, oh say, 1955.

It’s a wild thought. And an intriguing one for sure but not without its drawbacks. Let’s take a look at them:

Disadvantages

How can the ability to travel through time be anything but awesome? Well, inevitably I’d somehow get stuck in the Past/Future at some point, because that’s always seems to be what happens to time travelers for some reason. That would be a major downer. And like Super Speed, there’s the inherent risk that I’d inadvertently destroy the universe and/or Space Time Continuum through some cataclysmic Butterfly Effect. But hey, a guy’s gotta live, right? 

Advantages

Almost too many to count.  I’d maybe even be able to finally defeat Skynet.

What I’d do

Buy a sports almanac in 2015, then turn Hill Valley into a seething, sinful playground with the gambling winnings, be the first on my new block with a hover car, stop Indiana Jones IV from ever being made.

Super Powers I’d Like to Have - #4 Super Speed

Last week, I began a series of posts on the top super powers I’d like to have. Today, we continue. Why? Well I think that may be the difference between you and me. You think of a silly blog post and ask why, I think of a silly blog post and ask why not. And now, onward to #4…

Super Speed!

Imagine being really fast. And I don’t mean the fastest guy in school or even so fast you’ve allegedly never lost a race. I mean fast enough to travel back in time or vibrate through walls. Fast enough to take physics, bend it over, and make it your woman. That kind of fast.

Advantages

If you could run at super speeds, would you ever get on an airplane ever again? As much as I would miss airport security, the smell of recycled air, and the fat guy with the sinus infection that ALWAYS buys the seat next to me, neither would I.

And even the more practical, every day benefits are nearly endless. Yardwork? Done before the lawn mower gets warmed up. Snowy sidewalk? Shoveled and back inside watching Wonder Years reruns in no time. Silly blog post? Typed and published in seconds.

Disadvantages

First of all, being super might actually break every law of the universe that we know of, therefore creating a rift in space time and destroying everything as we know it. That would, of course, be bad. More research would have to be done to prevent that. I can’t have that on my conscience.

Then there’s the pesky issue of finding clothes that won’t disintegrate at super speeds. Apparently, The Flash had some type of invisible aura around him that protected his clothes. But come on, that was in the comic books. We’re talking for real here. What’s the point of being able to forgo commercial air travel if you arrive at that big business conference totally naked?

Things I would do with this power

Win a gold medal in every Olympic event including women’s softball and rhythmic gymnastics, reap the rewards of endorsement deals from every major athletic shoe manufacturer in the world, retire to someplace where snow doesn’t ruin my every weekend.

Next time, the countdown continues!

Super Powers I’d Like to Have - #5 Laser Vision

Let’s imagine for a moment that you could have one wish. Anything in the world. What would it be? Peace? An end to world hunger? The cure for cancer?

Liar.

No, like me, you’d wish to be granted a super power. Come on, you and I both know it’s true. But you can only have one. So which to choose? Well lucky for you and your selfish ways, I’ll be spending the next few posts counting down the very best super powers to have, just in case you’re ever forced to choose. You’re welcome. Now, on to #5!

Laser Vision!

Whether it’s blasts of concussive energy or beams of searing heat, the ability to shoot lasers from the eyes has to be in the top five. Just think of the possibilities.

Advantages – Imagine a world where waiting in line at the supermarket is no longer an issue. Where you no longer have to fear terrorists, car-jackings, grizzly bears, or many moderately powerful super villains. This is the world I dream of. This is the world of the laser visionary.

Disadvantages – This really depends on how well you could control the laser vision. Assuming you could handle the power as Superman does – consciously able to turn it on and off – laser vision really has no downside. But it’s a different story if, like X-Men’s Cyclops, it’s something you’d need special ruby crystal glasses to control. The last thing you need is an errant optic blast tearing through your cubicle wall, incinerating that graphic designer that sits across from you. The paperwork involved with something like that would be ridiculous. And don’t get me started on the mess.

Things You Could Do

                Cook really awesome cheeseburgers with your FREAKING EYES, scare the ever-loving crap out of the dog, maybe fight a little crime.

Next time, #4!